Dead to the World
by Tuulikki
Summary: As he died, he will return to die in me again... innocence reborn once more... Oneshot. Later chapters removed simply because they were bad.


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**Author's Notes August 31:** If you feel like you have seen this before, it is quite possible. I'm rewriting the whole thing (except for the first chapter), since I really wasn't that content with this. This and some of the last chapters were actually the only ones I liked at all...

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This is a series of songfics to songs by Nightwish about Ryou and Yami Bakura. I don't know what to call this, so I used the title of the first of the songs… This begins when Yami Bakura is imprisoned into the Millennium Ring.

**Note: since fanfiction net doesn't anymore allow songlyrics used in the fics, I had to remove them. If you want to read the fics with lyrics go to mediaminer. My username is the same there.**

**Warning:** there'll be yaoi in later chapters (R/YB), some violence, character deaths (kind of. Don't worry about them…)

This is also kind of AU… I know that Ryou didn't live in the ancient Egypt, this isn't how Yami Bakura got the Ring, nor how he died, etc. But what does it matter, really?

This chapter is in Yami Bakura's pov, there's going to be more of Ryou in the later chappies.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, nor the songs.

If you want to hear the beginning of this song, go here: ww w. nightwish. co m (just take the spaces of.) It's in the mp3's.

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**Chapter 1: Dead to the World**

Everything is dark, darker than anything I have ever seen, and I am falling deeper into it. There is no end to the fall, it continues for what feels like an eternity… but the time itself has stopped, and if there is no time, what is an eternity? Thousand years, a blink of an eye, a bunch of uncontrolled thoughts…

I'm not falling anymore. I didn't notice when I stopped. Or did I stop? I'm not sure about anything anymore. Perhaps I'm still falling. But since there is nothing around me, only darkness, it's difficult to tell. Only darkness.

Darkness.

Deep, silent, complete darkness. (1) Nothing moves, nothing changes, there are no sounds, no smells… Suddenly I understand the concept of void quite perfectly.

I wonder how long I have been here, in this constant, unchanging darkness… In that, darkness differs from light quite radically. Light is always changing, always flickering, always sparkling and glimmering… But darkness – it is always the same. There is something comforting in that stability.

The other world, the 'real' world, it was in constant change too. It is a world of light, although it was difficult to believe when I lived there. I guess one has to see _this_ world before it comes clear what darkness really is; the shadows of that other world are only… only shadows of the real ones.

I wonder if there is somewhere a world of light, of which the real world is only a distorted reflection, as it is of this world of darkness.

Even if there is, I think that I prefer this to it.

Although… sometimes a memory comes up unbidden in my mind… A memory of that world, of the bright sun, of the moon's reflection on the beautiful Nile, the twinkling stars above me as I lay on the ground…

…the red blood covering my chest, and it doesn't hurt anymore… not really… and he is here, tending my wounds, and I can see the sorrow in his eyes although I don't understand why _he_ would be sad… He's wiping my face, as if to brush away tears, but I don't cry, I can't be crying, can I, I don't feel tears on my face, I don't feel anything… I see him bending down and his lips are moving but I can't hear him, it's all turning black…

Black. Darkness.

-

I think that I have, finally, grown accustomed to this darkness. It is very comforting, in any case. There is nothing in it, no pain, no desires, nothing. It's a perfect place to rest. If only the memories stayed away…

The boy is sitting in front of me, the moonlight silvering his hair. He seems to be thinking hard about something, and I'm just glad that he's quiet for a while. I know he's upset, although he hides it well. He doesn't like me doing this, he says that it is too dangerous, that someday the guards will catch me while I'm emptying a tomb or another… Silly boy. I don't understand why I let him follow me, he's more a nuisance than anything else. Suddenly he looks up from the ground he has been staring at.

"You know," he says softly. "It's not like I had some thing against you doing what you want to do, I'm just worried about you 'cause I care for you."

I shift restlessly in the darkness, and for a moment it seems to me that it changed, something changed in the darkness in some way, but that can't be… _I care for you_… I can almost hear the words echoing in the dark, although I know that there isn't anything from which they could echo. _Care_…

-

Especially one memory is haunting me. Actually, it feels more like a nightmare than a memory, and I can't connect it to any other memories. Not that I care. I wish it would go away, and take all the other memories with itself. I'm tired of them, running around in my mind as they like…

…I am running, running so fast that breathing is beginning to hurt, but I don't dare to stop. I'm painfully aware of how slow I am… so slow… I'm going to be too late, there's nothing I can do… But I have to try. The breath comes in gasps, but I can't stop running, can't stop…

I feel something like a shiver, and it feels really strange and unpleasant, since I know I don't have a body that could be shivering. Anyway, it wasn't a completely bad thing since it cut off that memory… or nightmare, whatever it is.

I have vague memories of nightmares I had when I was a kid… They were always the same. I was alone in the dark streets, there was no one around and nothing happened, but still… I had that feeling, that horrible feeling that something _bad_ was about to happen very soon.

It's strange, I think.

I learned very young that the only animal in the world to fear is man. (2) Not just because of the easiness with which they kill and destroy, but because of their never-ending duplicity. Always ready to use others for their own ends. To use me… So, why should I be afraid if I'm all alone? Not that it matters. Who cares about dreams, anyway. I'm tired of thinking, and I'd want to get some sleep if it were possible in this place.

I'm running again, running hard, and I know that my time is growing short…

-

In disbelieve I stare at the empty house. Of course there could be _many_ reasons for it being empty, but there's no doubt in my mind. That bastard… We had a deal. But then again, I have always known that I can't trust him. We've been working together for a long time, but I should have left him when I first thought about it. The boy always said I'm not going to leave him just because I'm so greedy… It is true that ever since we started to work together I've been doing much better than before… and so has he. Having a bright partner is sometimes very handy. Still…

"Damn it all!" I hit the wall with my fist, and watch the dust float in the air.

The house is empty, the boy is gone. I'm not going to let him get away with this.

We had a deal.

And the boy didn't have anything to do with it.

Anger. I haven't felt it for a long time. Actually, I haven't felt anything for a long time. I'm not sure why I'm angry, though. I frown a little, or I would, if I had a body.

There was someone I hated, I think… Someone who did something I wanted to revenge. But did I? I 'frown' again. If I did, I definitely don't want to forget it. And if I didn't, I have to remember that, too.

I try to concentrate on the feeling of anger. Maybe it will help me to remember…

"I knew I would find you."

"So did I."

"What are you trying to accomplish? He has no part in this, why would you jeopardize everything just now?"

He is smirking. I can see it despite the shadows that surround him. "Jeopardize? I came up with an ingenious plan. That brat can help us with it." He starts laughing. "I just wanted to see your reaction… Why are you so angry? Have you become so attached to that kid?"

I stifle my laughter, feeling oddly relieved. "Attached? He saved my live once, I own him that." He seems to be about to say something and I continue coldly, "That's all you need to know."

He gets up with a stretch. "Don't worry, the boy will come to no harm. We'll just use him as a decoy."

He smiles at me, but I just stare at him, not returning the smile. I don't trust him. I know he's up to something. And he knows that I know. This is a game we have been playing for a long time.

I'm afraid it has just turned into a war.

-

I met a girl once. I don't understand why her face suddenly popped up in my mind, I don't even remember her name. She was a nice girl. Nice. I don't think that there is any other word that could be used to describe her. Overprotected, spent a very sheltered life.

I have never understood people like that.

If you never take risks, never do anything out of ordinary, how can you ever achieve anything?

I have my scars, both in the body that has probably rotten away by now, and in my soul. I'm glad of them. They are the proof that I have lived. This place would be much harder to bear without them.

She was a nice girl, though. Such a shame I had to kill her.

Now that I remembered the girl she is haunting me. I see her face floating around me in the darkness, and she is talking to me. She is worried… worried about her brother who is fighting in the war.

In the war?

Yes… I think I remember, although it requires much effort. There was some kind of a war going on, that was why I met her. She helped me to escape the soldiers… Why was I running from the soldiers?

Can't remember.

I'm getting a headache from this thinking… I think I'm going to stop it for a while.

How can you get a headache when you don't have a head…?

Floating in the front of me she stares at me worriedly.

"It is just getting worse." Her voice is very soft. "I wish this would be over soon, but that doesn't seem to be likely." She sighs and gives me a reassuring smile. "But there is no need for you to worry about that, kid. I don't understand what the soldiers wanted from a boy like you in the first place."

I held back a snort as she babbles on. Kid? Boy? Okay, I'm young, I admit, but I sure know more about life than that girl.

We walk on along the quiet road and I keep on glancing around. What _I_ don't understand is why that girl is walking alone on the streets in a time like this. Or does she think that because she's a girl no one will harm her?

I wouldn't be surprised if she does.

Still babbling on. She really takes me for a sweet innocent little boy who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. How naïve can you be?

I stopped being innocent very long time ago, and there's nothing that can be done to it. Although sometimes… No. There's nothing.

Oh Ra… Now she started humming. Some stupid peace songs…

A little later I run away from the town, money and some jewels in my pockets. I'll live 'til the next week with these.

Anyway, she didn't understand. There is no greater symphony than silence, every thief knows that. Making that much noise when you're _running _from someone is pure idiocy.

-

This darkness… It reminds me of one night when I was very young. It was a silent night, there was no wind and the night birds were quiet. The sky was totally black, covered with clouds, and I was waiting… for my mother I think.

I haven't thought about her for a long time. I can barely remember what she looked like, but I remember her hair. It was long and very dark, almost as black as this darkness, and I liked to play with it.

That night I was first afraid, but then I remembered my mother's hair when I looked at the black sky. I thought that it was as if she had thrown her hair over the sky to hide me under it. That was when I first realized that darkness was my friend. It would always give me shelter, while light…

Light is always merciless, it reveals everything.

"Mother…?" The door creaks when I push it open. "Mother, where are…"

Blood on the floor. I stare at it for a moment, and step then hesitantly into the house. The silence that greets me is as it were from one of my nightmares. I walk quietly through the room, and push open another door.

She is lying on the floor, clothes torn. The cut throat grins widely at me in the bright daylight that enters the room from a window. I stare at her, I don't know for how long, it is as if the time had stopped, and run then away.

For a moment I don't see the darkness, only the blood. Bright red blood… It's quite a beautiful color, really. One of my favorite colors… The dark blue of the evening sky, I like that too. Sometimes I miss them, all the different colors of the world where I used to live. I wouldn't have believed I'd ever say it, but… I'd like to see a rainbow. There are no colors in the dark.

-

The girl is visiting me again. I wish she would stay away.

"It hurts," she says. "Hurts to see so much pain in the world."

This time I do snort. Hurts _her_? I doubt that… That girl doesn't know anything about pain.

I wonder if it hurt her when I stabbed her… I tried not to hurt her too much. But I needed her jewels… I needed money. Anyway, I did her a favor. Being as naïve as she was she would have been hurt really badly some day. I simply sent her away from all the pain.

Sometimes I wished someone had done me the same favor.

Heh. Now I'm away from the pain. It is just that… this dullness… it is starting to ache in its own way.

-

I have a feeling that I once thought that the darkness doesn't change.

I was wrong.

Now that I have been here longer, I can see things I didn't see in the beginning. The darkness… it has a surface that is always the same, but underneath it, it's constantly changing.

It is beautiful.

All the poets praise the way light plays on the leaves of the trees, on the waves of the ocean, on the raindrops, and on the morning's dew… but no one writes about darkness.

That's because they cannot see it. They are not creatures of darkness like I am. I guess I have spent here so long that the dark has found its way into my soul, into those parts, which still were free of it. Now I am part of it; I belong to it, as it belongs to me.

And it is beautiful.

-

Running again. Sometimes it feels that it's the only thing I do. I'd like to curse, but I have no breath to waste on that. Fool. You knew him well enough to know he'd do something like this… So why didn't you keep an eye on him?

I squeeze the pendant tightly in my hand, the only item I managed to grasp for myself from the tomb before I had to start to run for my life. Using _me_ as a decoy, aren't you… Probably emptying the tomb right now… For a moment I worry about the boy, but there's really nothing I can do for him right now.

I can't run any further, I have to stop to rest for a while. There are some cliffs nearby and I run to them, hoping to get some shelter. I can hear the guards as I crouch behind a big rock. They are very close to me, and if they continue in this direction they will surely find me. I take a peek from behind the rock and see them heading straight towards me. Shit. That's not good… Wait, why did they stop? What the hell they are staring at? I turn to look, and catch a glimpse of white high on the rocks…

Damn that idiotic brat!

The guards run after him, and I get up. Now there's definitely nothing I can do for the kid, I won't ever be able to defeat that many guards. I run after them as fast as I can while trying to hide behind the rocks…

Out of breath I stop and stare at the sight in the front of me. I'm beginning to get very familiar with that color. Bright red… the primal red. Blood red. Against his pale skin it seems to be redder than ever. He's still breathing, but won't be for long. I kneel beside him.

"Damn you, twerp. Why didn't you hide from them," I whisper. He opens his eyes and I'm a little surprised. I thought he was unconscious. He smiles at me weakly.

"They were heading towards you," he whispers, barely audibly. "They would have found you, I had to lead them away…" I give a little start. Great. Now he has saved my live twice, and I can do nothing but watch him die.

It doesn't take for long, the guards did good job. I get up, feeling a peculiar combination of sadness and anger. The kid is dead, and the only thing I got from this is… I haven't actually yet gotten a good look on the pendant.

It is round, with the eye of Horus in the middle of it. Probably quite expensive, but compared to the other treasures there were in the tomb… I shake my head angrily. I have to catch that traitor and…

Something hits me in the back. I take a few staggering steps forward, stumble on the boy's body, and fall down over him. Then the pain hits me. A hot, tearing pain, and as I glance behind I see the end of an arrow quivering over my shoulder. Another one hits my back… Twice a fool… Why did I stay so long near the boy? I should have left immediately…

Everything is darkening again, as it did years ago, but I know that I'm not going to wake up this time.

NO! I will not leave this world like this! I have still things to do… Like to killthat traitor, I can't die before him… I am not leaving this world, I am not leaving the boy to rot here alone, I'm not… leaving…

I fall into the darkness, darkness that is blacker than anything I have ever seen… and there is no end to it.

If I had a body I'd be sweating now.

I don't want to remember that. Nor do I want to remember him. We are both dead. Dead to the world, anyway. But he died… died a real death unlike me. As time goes by I'm starting to envy him for that. Still… he died saving me… and without me he wouldn't have died at all. I have to remember that, but it's difficult, sometimes it feels as if my mind was breaking into pieces… I have to try to remember that when we meet again…

-

Damn those memories. I wish they'd let me sleep in peace.

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(1) Got that line from another song by Nightwish, _Deep Silent Complete_

(2) Yes, that's D. H. Lawrence… I just had to write it there.

Push that pretty button in the bottom corner and tell me what you thought about this, okay? Even if you didn't like this… just remember to tell me exactly _what_ you didn't like.


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